My husband told me a good one he found on BeliefNet this morning: Jesus was out walking near the Gates of Heaven when he heard a frail old man calling, "Hello? Hello?" Jesus answers, "Who is it?" "Just an old carpenter searching for my son." Jesus' heart leaped. He called back, "Joseph?" The voice replied, "Pinocchio?"
One day a carpenter named Bob walked into the Doctor's office. The receptionist asked him what he had. Bob replied, "Shingles". The lady took his health insurance information and told him to take a seat. Fifteen minutes later a Medical Assistant came out and asked Bob what he had. He replied, "Shingles". So the MA put him in an exam room, took his vital signs and his medical history and told him to wait for the Doctor. Half an hour later a Nurse came in and asked Bob what he had. He said, "Shingles". She took blood for testing, did an electrocardiogram, told Bob to take off his clothes and wait for the Doctor. An hour later, the Doctor came in and asked Bob what he had. Bob replied, "Shingles." The Doctor asked him, "Where?" Buford answered, "Outside, in the truck. Where do you want them?"
Bob goes to see his supervisor at the millwork shop. He says, "Boss, my wife is doing some heavy spring cleaning, and she wants me home tomorrow to help with the attic and the garage, you know, moving and hauling stuff." His boss replies, "Sorry, Bob, but we're short handed. I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, Boss", Bob says with a smile. "I knew I could count on you!"
A woodworker had that kind of neighbour that always borrows your tools and never returns them. One day, he was so frustrated about the situation that he called up his neighbour and asked him, "OK if I put my table saw and router in your garage?" "Sure", the mooch said. "But why?" "Because", the woodworker replied, "I'd just like to have all my tools in one place."
The seven-year-old son of a carpenter got separated from his father at a large woodworking show. Remembering what his parents told him to do in such a situation, he sought out a security guard and told him that he had gotten lost from his dad. Seeking some information that might point out the boy's father, the security guard asked him, "What's your dad like?" "Mom says beer and women" replied the boy.
A termite walks into a pub and asks: "Where is the bar tender?" I think that's a bit of a "way homer"...
One night a wife saw her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. As she watched, the husband looked down with mixed emotions flitting across his face. She saw disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism. The wife put her arms around her husband, and said, "Penny for your thoughts?" "It's amazing," he answered, "How can they make a crib like that for $49.99?"
Jim and Joe are framing a house. Jim notices that Joe is throwing away nearly every second nail, and becomes concerned. He asks, "What are you doing?!" Joe replies, "The heads are on the wrong end." Jim can't believe Joe's stupidity. "You idiot, save them for the other side!"
A quite aged woodworker was checking out tools at his local building supply store. He picked up a hammer and regarded it thoughtfully. "Don't make these hammers like they used to," he said to himself. "Why, I've had the same one for fifty years; just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."
Joe's shop was on fire; he was on the line with the fire department, naturally quite upset. "What's your address, sir?" the fireman asked. "It's umm...umm...I can't remember!" Joe yelled. "Calm down sir!" the fireman said. "If we don't have your address, how can we possibly get there?" "Use your big red truck with the siren!" Joe shrieked.
Mel had a lot of work ahead of him, so he decided it was time to hire a part time helper. One of the applicants seemed smart enough, so Mel hired him. "OK," Mel said, "Your first job will be to sweep up the sawdust," and handed him a broom. "Look," protested the helper, "I'm practically a University graduate." Mel smiled. "No problem; I'll show you how."
Little Walter had spent the whole day at the lot next door watching a crew building a new house. When he returned home his mother asked him what he had learned. "Well," Little Walter said proudly, " It is an f-ing headache when those f-ing idiots at the lumberyard send the wrong f-ing stock. Everything comes to an f-ing stop while every f-ing thing has to be returned. Not only f-ing that, but the f-ing plumber put the f-ing pipes for the f-ing sink on the wrong f-ing wall." Little Walter's mother nearly fainted from the shock. When her husband came home, she told him about the language his son had used. "That is absolutely disgusting," the father said. "You must be punished; go outside and get me a switch." "No way," Little Walter replied. "That's the f-ing electrician's job." Who says clean jokes aren't funny?
When his sickly widower father finally died, Jasper would inherit a furniture factory. Jasper decided he wanted a woman to share it with. He went to a singles bar, and he saw a woman who was so beautiful, he couldn't believe his luck. Jasper strode right up to the beauty and said," I'm just your average guy, but when my Dad dies, in just a week or two, I stand to inherit a twenty million dollar business." The beauty went home with Jasper, and the next day she became his stepmother.
A construction worker died in his sleep. As he neared the Pearly Gates, he saw St Peter. St Peter approached and greeted him."Congratulations! You are the oldest person ever to arrive in Heaven." The worker was confused. "There must be some kind of mistake. I'm only forty years old." "Impossible!" said St Peter. "We added up your time sheets twice and came up with 160 years both times!"
Uncle Pete happened to get fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him how it happened. "Do you know what a foreman is?" Uncle Pete asked. "Sure," replied his nephew. "The foreman is the one who stands around and watches everyone else work. What's that got to do with your getting fired?" "Well, he just got jealous of me. Everyone thought that *I* was the foreman!"
Stop already! My daughter thinks I'm sick with all the groaning that's coming from the corner of my office where I'm sitting! I like this one... actually I heard it just a few days ago, but it was the "blonde version."
Groan away, Katharina... Jones' friend and foreman had died in his sleep. Jones had depended on his foreman for advise on wood workiing implicitly, and considered him his closest friend. It was understandable that Jones did not take kindly to all the droves of opportunists at work to try and take the foreman job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until my pal's buried," Jones grumbled to himself as the coffin was being lowered into the grave. One of the most shameless of the job seekers sidled up to Jones. "Sir," he inquired, "Is there anyway I can take the foreman's' place? "Sure", Jones growled," but you better hurry. I think the coffin's almost covered."
A woodworker named Susan was giving evidence in court regarding an accident he'd witnessed. The judge inquired as to how far away she'd been from the accident. She answered, "twenty five feet, nine and one half inches." The judge asked, "How can you possibly know the exact distance?" "Well," Susan replied, "I knew some idiot was going to ask me that, so I measured it."
His boss sent Stanley to the lumberyard. He told the yardman "I need twenty 4x2s." "I guess you mean 2x4s," the yardman chuckled. "How long do you want them?" "I don't know for sure, but it should be for some time, we're building a garage."
Tommy is working on a steep roof and loses his balance. He starts to slide down, out of control. "Help me, God!" Tommy shrieks. Suddenly, a large nail catches on his overalls, and Tommy stops short of falling off the the roof! He sighs with relief. "Never mind, God. A nail got me!"
